WARNING: This article contains details about suicidal thoughts. These parts are written in very light gray, you can select the text with your mouse for comfortable reading. If this is a sensitive subject for you, please do not read the light gray sections of this article.
I cannot remember exactly how I came to this decision. At some point on the way, I was full, nothing more... I had asked my wife not to see me for a few days many times before to clear my head and review myself. But this request did not make sense to my wife. He would break his promise and call the next day, even if I could barely get him to admit it.
I'm a TTM patient and I'm on medication for it. One day I was surfing Youtube at my brother's house. I came across a youtuber's video. The video was about our support mechanisms. For a moment, "Who is my support mechanism?" I thought. For everyone I can think of, I thought I had done them wrong and therefore I couldn't ask them for help in my difficult time. At that moment, I felt extremely lonely and wanted to kill myself. I thought of several ways to do this. Of course, I won't go into details here. I thought about a few ways in turn and gave up. Eventually I found a way that suited me and I was horrified to realize what I was thinking as I was planning how to do it. At that moment, it occurred to me to call my therapist. At first I hesitated because I had not been to therapy for about 8 months. Then I thought this was ridiculous, that my therapist was a professional. And I texted my therapist briefly describing my situation. He gave me an appointment right away and a few days later I was with him. The day these ideas came to my mind, I forgot to use my medicine and my therapist said that these thoughts were because I did not use the medicine. "It is very important that you use this medicine regularly and that you do not forget it." said. The therapy eventually increased my daily dose and changed my medication as well.
Of course, I shared as many of these as I thought were appropriate with my wife. A day or two later, after an argument with my wife, he told me for the billionth time that he was going to break up with me. And I accepted for the nine hundred millionth time. "I'll go on Monday and file the petition." I said. And he called me over and over for the nine hundred millionth time, "Are you sure?" he asked. He spoke as if I was the one who came up with the idea of divorce, not him. He finally gave up on this idea for the nine hundred millionth time when I said that the idea came from him, that I didn't just stop him and that I would make his wish come true. But still it's "Okay, I'm giving up." not with an I-language sentence like, "You think a little more." like you did with a sentence formed in the language. And this time he even went a step further and justified it. He said to me, "You were in bad thoughts just the other day. I am a compassionate person, I can't leave you in this state. Besides, your medicine has just changed and you are now in the period of getting used to it. Let's wait for a month, in the meantime, get used to your medicine. Let's talk again with a clear head in a month."
Before continuing the story, I would like to analyze this speech of my wife a little. One thing you should know well about narcissists is that these people have an extraordinary ability to imitate and reflect. After forcing you to show their true face, narcissists don't hear what you say, they don't listen to you, they don't care about your demands, they ignore your needs, especially your emotional needs. When you regain your self-confidence and give the message that you are not dependent on the narcissist in your life, then the narcissist begins to take on the magnificent personality of the beginning of the relationship. Makes you logical and thoughtful sentences that you want to hear. What my wife said above, "I can't leave you like this." This is the motivation in the sentence. Because one day, when my wife asked why I married her, she said, "You won't leave me alone no matter what, that's why." I replied. (At that time, I was not aware of the real dynamics of this relationship and I thought this reason I said was real.) And in the above speech, "Your medicine has just changed, let's wait a month." The other part is the thoughtful and logical side. I should add that different narcissists will react differently to your decision to leave, read more about the narcissistic personality What is Narcissism? You can visit the page.
Let's continue the story. Even though I knew that this offer was just a tactic and that my wife's aim was just to gain time and avoid separation, if I said no to this offer, I would have rejected this sensible and thoughtful offer of her and I would have supported the negative frame that my wife had drawn/will draw about me. That's why I accepted my wife's offer, even though I was sure that my ideas and feelings would not change and that this situation was not related to drugs. About a week later, I had a covid vaccine, and since the side effects of the vaccine are severe for some people, I went to my brother's house to stay there for a while to find support if necessary. My family also lives with my brother and we haven't touched on those topics yet, but there are some things that are not shared between me and my family. I stayed with them for about ten days. Yes, I didn't have to stay that long. Four or five days was enough. But both my family and I thought we needed to spend time together, and I realized that being at my brother's house with him and my family was very good for me at that time. During this time, my wife did not call much. He wouldn't call much anyway because he wasn't on good terms with my family. But this time, since we weren't on good terms, he called even less, or when he called, I couldn't answer/open and I didn't return. Thus, our communication decreased considerably and I got the break that I had been demanding for a long time. On the seventh or eighth day of my stay at my sister's, my wife and I spoke on the phone. During that conversation, somehow it came to me that I was not bothered by the lack of communication. My wife asked me what I thought about it. And I said, "You said a month, we are waiting for it to be full. I am thinking about it in the meantime. But my ideas have never changed." I said. My wife was left with the fact that the excuse she put forward there actually didn't work. And he said to me, "You look good, you seem confident in your decision." He said something like, I agreed. Thus, the decision to divorce was taken clearly.
After that day, especially after returning to my own home, I had to fight my wife psychologically and show her my determination. He called many times every night, tried various tactics. First he blamed, then he took pity on me, then he said that he would not leave me even if we broke up, that a signature is not needed to continue the relationship, that we are human after all. He told me how much I needed him, that I couldn't live without him, that I would be alone if I left him, that he was worried about me because I was sick, that he thought of me, that he didn't want me to be alone, because he was a conscientious person. He called me every night and asked if I was sure. He asked if I was trying to teach him a lesson. He said that if this was an attempt to teach him a lesson and I was threatening him with separation, I had to give it up immediately, otherwise, once he closed his "love" for me, he couldn't open it back up, or it would be too late to open it back up. NOTE: Normal people cannot turn their love-feelings towards other people on and off like a lamp. Days later, when he was convinced, I had already contacted a lawyer and had a protocol prepared for an uncontested divorce. I printed out this protocol and sent it to him for signing. When I received the signed protocol - I won't lie - I cried. I felt sad. My brother was with me. After all, my marriage was ending, I was leaving my dreams, I was giving up my hope for this person. I was erasing my belief that the "Prince Charming", which I saw at the very beginning of this relationship and thought to be real, would come back. Believe me, imagining a prince on a white horse and finding and losing him are two very different things. And if there's anything worse than these two things, it's the person you've just met, pretending to be Prince Charming for a few months, and then slowly turning into a lousy person who ignores you, upsets you, makes you doubt yourself, and questions your sanity. Because the prince you see at the beginning is the same person who makes you suffer now, and you think that the prince you see at the beginning is staying somewhere, and if you try hard enough, it will come back. Once you have seen it, it is very difficult for you to think or accept that it does not actually exist.